The mission orders just came down from the brass upstairs. They were to embark on a twelve-day exploratory missions into three different national parks in the southwest quadrant of the territory known as the United States of America. Their mission, should they choose to accept it (oh, they'll accept it), is to explore, via hiking and climbing, Joshua Tree, Death Valley and Zion National Parks.
They set off in the S.S. Appa on November 1, 2011 with an experienced crew of three members - Bombardier Daniel "Danimal" Hagen, Deckhand Steve "Stev" McFadden and myself, Colonel Sean "The Squatch" Cogan.
The following is a recovered written log of their exploits:
11/1/11
3:00 pm - We've arrived at Joshua Tree National Park and are forced to pay an entrance fee. Do they not realize we are on a serious reconnaissance mission here?
3:25 pm - We stop at Hidden Valley and set off on a loop that circles through the canyon. I begin to do some rock climbing.
3:32 pm - I already lost my crew. I use my newfound altitude to try and locate them.
3:34 pm - This technique fails to yield any results.
3:42 pm - I successfully climb down from my perch, continuing my hunt from the ground.
4:26 pm - I jogged around the trail for a bit, searching in vain for my comrades. After confirming that they were nowhere on the loop, I nervously return to Appa, only to find them relaxing nearby. They had apparently left the loop and made their own trail back. Lesson learned - yell if you die.
6:30 pm - We made it to our campsite, after a stop at Baker's Dam. The sun had long since set, leaving us to set up camp in the dark. The wind is picking up.
7:18 pm - Our camp is fully set up and we have eaten an underwhelming meal of Clif bars. It is a crisp, clear night, with a sky full of stars and an especially bright moon, lighting up the campsite.
7:42 pm - There is alarmingly little to do while camping after the sun sets when you do not have a fire. We are considering going to bed for lack of more entertaining options.
11:45 pm - We have been asleep for a bit now, but we periodically wake up to what sounds like carnivorous creatures lurking around our tent. We are hoping that it is just the gale force winds blowing the tents around, as the rocky ground made it impossible to stake them down.
11/2/11
6:53 am - The sun can be vicious vixen in the mornings.
8:42 am - Having finally succumbed to the perpetual shining of nature's alarm, we ate breakfast and are now in the S.S. Appa on our way to the Lost Palm's Trail.
9:36 am - Apparently in September about 3 inches of rain poured down on the southern section of the park in less than 30 minutes, washing away an entire campsite as well as the road we need to access the Lost Palms trailhead. Time to rework our plans.
10:07 am - We stumbled across an enormous cactus farm and decided to explore it.
10:09 am - Multiple signs adamantly caution against making any contact with these cacti. Being a long-time friend of the cacti, I am skeptical of the warnings.
10:13 am - I picked up a dead bit of cactus off the ground with little difficultly, in my mind proving those signs wrong.
10:14 am - Just because you can pick up a piece of dead cactus does necessarily qualify you to dropkick it. I should know - I now have about 8 needles in my toe.
10:17 am - All needles removed. Toe and ego are still slightly bruised.
10:27 am - I try to make nice with the cacti. They don't comply. There is now a piece of cactus hanging off my arm.
10:33 am - I've successfully trapped the piece of cactus previously in my arm in an old Clif bar box. Natural selection at its best.
11:17 am - We set off on the 49 Palms Oasis Trail. We expect there to be no fewer than 49 palms.
11:32 am - We pass by a tall, old man carrying a rock on the trail. He informs us that there are a "lotta Brits on the trail today." We politely nod at the strange, old man, and begin to move ourselves out of range of his projectile.
11:58 am - We meet a couple from Brooklyn, who inform us that the crazy, old man we saw earlier was none other than Robert Plant, lead singer of Led Zeppelin. We feel foolish.
12:12 pm - The number of palms on this trail can not be confirmed, but they are certainly bountiful.
2:07 pm - We stop at Skull Rock and climb for a bit. Done exploring, we head over to the namesake of the area, a rock that is vaguely reminiscent of a skull, shockingly enough. Dan and I climb into the "eye sockets" while Steve sets his camera's self timer for 10 seconds and runs to climb into the picture.
2:07 pm + 10 seconds - Steve doesn't make it.
3:47 pm - We have successfully scaled Ryan Mountain, giving ourselves a panoramic view of Joshua Tree National Park, full of the abstract-looking trees that give it the park its name.
5:15 pm - We arrive back at the campsite. I begin climbing the surrounding rock-faces.
5:45 p m - Dan and Steve scramble up some rocks to get a good view of the sunset. I am lurking above them, in the shadows.
6:23 pm - I have successfully climbed to the top of the entire rock formation. I am unsure of whether I will be able to get back down.
6:52 pm - I am back on the ground, in one piece. Dan and Steve seem unimpressed.
8:42 pm - The sun has been down for quite some time now. Time for bed.
11/3/11
6:27 am - There is one beam of sunlight peaking out from behind the rocks, and it has managed to successfully find its way directly into my right eye.
8:30 am - Packed and ready to go. Death Valley awaits.
1:02 pm - We have reached the outer limits of the supposed valley of death. It seems to be teeming with life.
1:32 pm - We find a fox roaming in the middle of the street. We slow to a stop, watching him as he circles the car curiously. I meet his gaze; he seems friendly. However, we think it best for the mission to leave him to his own devices.
1:43 pm - We stop at Badwater, an enormous salt flat 200 feet below sea level. We taste it. It is indeed salty.
2:42 pm - We come across Mosaic Canyon and wander in. We explore for a bit, and while climbing up one of the canyon walls, I draw the audience of an old man hiking alone. To the best of our knowledge, he is not the lead singer of any band of consequence.
4:13 pm - We stumble upon some giant piles of sand, known as Mesquite Sand Dunes. We take off our shoes and head out.
4:17 pm - Feeling at home, Steve and I decide to hit around the volleyball a bit.
4:29 pm - Volleyball has been called on account of cacti.
5:45 pm - We arrive at the campsite and set up the tents. Dan sets up his hammock.
7:33 pm - The sun has set, and our dinner has been consumed. The wind is steadily picking up.
8:30 pm - I'm no meteorologist, but I'm relatively certain that these winds are closing in on gale-force.
10:45 pm - We are camping in what now appears to be a rainless category-4 hurricane. Dan is in his hammock still, but it is dubious whether the tree he is dangling from will make it through the night, so I can not imagine his hammock has better odds.
11/4/11
1:45 am - It's dark, but I am fairly sure I just saw Dorothy and random cow fly by. However, it may have just been Steve and his tent. The rocks he brought in to weigh down his tent have proven no match for this wind.
6:43 am - The wind storm has subsided just in time to allow for the sun to rise. Nature is cruel mistress.
9:00 am - After breaking down camp, we set out for a day of hiking.
3:00 pm - We have already completed treks into two different canyons, both of which were beautiful in a colorfully barren sort of way. We are ready to begin our final hike in the Golden Canyon.
3:15 pm - The mist and wind give the landscape a very Star Wars-y feel. I half expect to be attacked by a Jawa.
3:22 pm - We have reached a literal fork in the road with no available clues to help us reach an educated decision. Perhaps we should have stuck to clearer trails, instead of the ones with abstract instructions on how to return to your car. I flip a coin.
3:35 pm - At long last, a trail marker confirms our previous choice. However, we have come to yet another unmarked split in the path. The wind is picking up and the mist is growing thicker, giving all of our choices the feeling of having epic implications.
4:17 pm - We may be lost. Steve is no longer allowed to make directional decisions. Too much is at stake.
4:37 pm - I have us back on course. We may survive this hike after all.
4:45 pm - Yet another fork; still no sign. For a park with such heavy signage warning of the dangers of the heat exhaustion, dehydration and death in Death Valley, they go surprisingly light on the trail markers,
5:22 pm - We finally make it back to the car. The trail ended with a walk through a gulch, ending in a dried-up waterfall. Combined with the setting sun over the salt flats in the background and mountains beyond that still, It was one of the most picturesque views we have seen thus far.
6:00 pm - We drive up to Dante's Point, which is supposed to give the best views of the park. However, our plans were foiled by a passing snow flurry. Such is life.
6:45 pm - We took the weather as a sign to leave Death Valley and make our way to our final destination, Zion National Park. As we enter Nevada, we stop at a gas station/brothel to get our fill of gas and promiscuous women.
6:47 pm - The voice in our heads stop up dead in our tracks - "No," it avers, "we have a mission to complete. There is no time to be wasted on these wanton women."
11/5/11
12:36 am -We pull over in a truck stop to get a few hours of sleep.
1:47 am - Three people and an immense amount of gear makes for some uncomfortable sleeping conditions in a VW Jetta.
2:23 am - Judging by the ice of the windshield and our shivering bodies, we probably should have brought out our sleeping bags or blankets or something.
6:45 am - We abandon hope of sleeping this night and voyage onward to Zion.
9:35 am - We arrive and are greeted with a steady rainfall. There is really only one option for us at this point - put off Zion for a sunnier day and retreat to the safety of a hotel for showers, beds and football.
This post has been brought to you by petroglyphs, confrontational cacti and abstract hiking trails.
Hey strangers! Love the blog.. Very Kurt Vonnegut meets jack Kerouac. I'm writing this as if addressing the abyss of the interwebs so I won't ask any dumb questions but I miss all 3 of you and really enjoy having something actually entertaining to read on Facebook-- so thank you.
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