Firstly, allow me to commend you on your brazen decision to bravely set you alarm clock so early last night in SF. The way you awoke at its buzzing, stumbled into your car and promptly fell back asleep, forcing Dan to drive southeast and alone while staring straight into the rising California sun is nothing short of extraordinary. You certainly will not regret your early arrival here.
Now before we set off to enjoy nature's splendor, I am required by California state law to give you the first of so many warning about bears, that you will find yourself not going to the bathroom at night for fear of being mauled whist making the two minute walk to the hole in the ground we call a toilet.
On that note, Let's set off, shall we? Please close all other windows and applications and save all comments for the end of the post.
Our first stop is Bridalveil Falls, one of Yosemite's smaller cascades. Please take note of the sign warning against climbing on the wet boulders beneath the falls and kindly ignore it. You might want to remove your flip-flops prior to climbing all the way up to the falling water.
Alright now, hurry along and scroll down your page to a little bit. Our next stop will be Yosemite Falls, the logic waterfall in the United States. Please take notice and copiously photograph any and all adorable deer you see.
As you can see, the falls are separated into two cascades, Upper and Lower Falls.
We will only be hiking up to the Lower Falls. The water is very low this time of year as it is the dry season, but that does not make the views any less majestic.
Please, by all means, put life and limb on the line to traverse the slippery rocks up to the cascading water, and be sure to enjoy some serene moments of tranquility listening to the falling water hit the rocks as the sun begins to dip toward the horizon.
Now let's make our way to the campsite. If you take a look below these words, you can see the light from the setting sun reflecting off the wondrous Half Dome, giving the gray slab of rock a stunning, reddish hue.
Welcome to your campsite. As you set up your tent, let me again remind you that bears will probably eat you as you sleep. You will need to totally empty your car of any and all food, beverage, soap, shampoo, toothpaste and deodorant; essentially anything that could smell appealing to a bear in search of food or a nice refreshing shower. You will need put all of these things into your designated metal bear-box, because while bears have the strength of 50 men and can rip off car doors this metal box is impenetrable to them due to their lack of opposable thumbs.
Try to not smell too delicious tonight.
Good morning, simply lovely to see you didn't get eaten. What do you mean you didn't sleep well? Did the cold and fear of mauling not soothe you into slumber? Well never you mind - I have the perfect thing to wake and warm you up. We are going to wake up to Vernal and Nevada Falls. Don't let the steep incline intimidate you- the views will be well worth the climb. Keep up now, you bums. Vernal Falls is coming up right below.
I think the beauty of the falls speaks for itself. If you look again you will see a rainbow forming in the cascade, its palette of colors swirling in the falling water.
Congratulations. You just hiked a mile and a half, climbing over 900 feet in less than five minutes (maybe a bit longer for you slow readers). Again, take note of and subsequently ignore the fenced areas to refill your water bottle and to take photographs while teetering on the edge of certain death.
Time for lunch. Go on - you earned it. I'll wait here while you go make a sandwich.
Ready? Perfect. I found a lovely little spot over here. Make sure you do not feed the wildlife, unless they are a cute squirrel who looks absolutely adorable nibbling on a tortilla chip.
Now that all of us, Nibbles the Squirrel included, are sufficiently satiated, let's continue to Nevada Falls; look, you can see them in the distance
I know the trail goes off in that direction, but as your licensed blog guide, I will take you through the untamed woods right up to the bottom of the falls.
I'm not entirely sure how to get back to the trail, but I am relatively certain that if we climb over these rocks and cross this fallen tree spanning that massive gap, we should be able to…ah, yes, here it is. Let us press onward. Don't mind me; I plan on not staying on trail for more than 30 seconds at a time
Welcome to Nevada Falls, the climax of this journey. A baffling 594 feet, it is a force to be reckoned with. Excuse me while I hop this fence, walk out onto this rock that protrudes out over the falls, and pensively stare off into the expansive beauty of mother nature.
Oh, would you like to come out here as well? Don't be shy.
There you go, Easy does it...
Now that wasn't so bad, was it?
How are you feeling? Sufficiently tired? Ok, let's pound a Clif bar and hike back down 2,000 feet in three seconds.
Well done.
The sun is starting to set, so I've decided to take us to the Glacier Point to watch its descent. As the sun falls to the westward horizon the colors dance along Half Dome and the other peaks, changing them from their normal stoney gray to a constantly shifting slideshow of reds, yellow, orange and eventually purples.
If you look closely, you can see both of the waterfalls we hiked to today. Glacier Point is about 3000 feet higher then both of them.
With the sun down and luckily no moon out, tonight will be a perfect night for stargazing. Let's linger here for a few seconds to see them.
That will do. We should go rest up; its our last day tomorrow and...WAIT, what is that? It's a…a wolf.
A blurry image, yes, but that is what you get when you stare into the reddened eyes of a creature that truly terrifying. His gaze is soul-piercing, and even though there is a car frame in between you and him, there is still a part of you that must resist the urge to run.
Did I forget to mention the wolves? Yes, you could be eaten by both bears and wolves, along with an assortment of other carnivorous creatures.
Rest up.
How did you sleep? You tried sleeping in a hammock with your keys and its "panic" button in one hand and a knife in the other, with several projectiles lined up to hurl at a potential attacker? How did that fare?
10 minutes before you ran back to the tent? Well done.
Well, it is time for our last stop - Mariposa Grove, filled to the clouds with enormous Sequoias but lacking even a single Mariposa by my calculations.
There are plenty of trees here to remember, including the Fallen Monarch; 
The aged 2000 year old Grizzly Giant;
The Faithful Couple, who are so in love that their trunks conjoined into one;
And last but not least, the Fallen Tunnel, which used to be a tree you could drive through until it finally succumbed to gravity's wishes.
The aged 2000 year old Grizzly Giant;
The Faithful Couple, who are so in love that their trunks conjoined into one;
And last but not least, the Fallen Tunnel, which used to be a tree you could drive through until it finally succumbed to gravity's wishes.
Take a picture, it will last longer. Better yet take about 2,000. That seems appropriate.
Well, I suppose it is time to say goodbye to Yosemite and get back to your everyday life. One more log bridge image and we should be back to the car.
Perhaps we will run into each other again in Los Angeles, after we take a much needed shower and sleep in a warm bed.
This post has been brought to you by falling water, heartless bears and the soul-piercing glares of wolves.
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